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The Song of a Mountaineer

A walking mask I am,.

playing my charade.

Showing a happy facade

though bitter tears I shed.

A walking mask I am,.

and insecurities I hid

And I.,. broken, broken, ever broken…

Down my lonely crib

But,.. the cold I hate

and silence I fear

And I .. afraid,. so damn afraid.,

to lose my self dear.

So..  I whip the wind

and cuddle the sun

and meet new friends

to strip naked the guise that I am.

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Dear Sad Eyes,

Despite you keeping your good distance from all of the possible pains, you still end up hurting. TORN. BROKEN. EMPTY. 

You must have cried again last night. Despite you desperately hiding, I can still draw the tears that silently ran down your cheeks. I wonder how long it took you to squeeze your eyes and how hardly you did it to get rid of the pain. It must be excruciating for you to hold your tears back and tiresome enough for you to hide your wounds behind smiles when all you ever want to do is to loosen up and break down to make everyone know that you are mad with the world and that you are fed up with all of your play pretends. You seem to have mastered the art of projecting happiness behind your brokenness. You constantly ask God why he has prepared everyone else their kind of happiness but has seemed to have forgotten your name on the list. You must be sorrowed with the thought of why happiness seems to have been specially made not for you.

Not so long ago, you were tagged as the girl with the brightest smile. You were applauded for being smart, the girl who could play with words. You were envied for being confident, the girl who made the stage as her playground. You were known for being brave, the girl who didn’t fear the microphone. You outstood others for being optimistic, the girl who beamed even over the hardest criticisms. You were recognized for being talented, the girl who could sing, dance and act. You were the girl who was oblivious about all the negativities of the world. You were the girl who cared nothing about anything because all you ever wanted was to be the girl who lived to her time.

I saw you awkwardly transition from being an untroubled child to becoming a restless adolescent. I witnessed how those innocent sparkles left your eyes. You, the girl everyone was so fond of, gradually transitioned to a woman who everyone else don’t seem to recognize. You change big time leaving no trace of that girl you were once. You fear the complexity of adulthood. You are scared to know who you really are. You fear to rub elbows with your weak and stupid other-self so you shut anyone who might bring you closer to them. You barred the new world before it can even reveal itself to you.  You become the woman who exudes that I-can-handle-myself aura and I-don’t-need-anyone look warning everyone to keep their hands off your life. Everything about you became a lie and you live it.  However, despite you keeping your good distance from all of the possible pains, you still end up HURTING. TORN. BROKEN. EMPTY.

But I can see very well that everything is just an act. Now, that lie in you is screaming for freedom and those eyes are begging for anyone to help you grant their plea. No matter how hard you tried to appease them but you just can’t stop your emotional truths from ripping you into pieces. I pity you on how your head hurts when all the could-have-been’s and if-only’s in the world start racing in your mind. If only someone could dare gaze into those sad eyes and melt the fence you build around yourself. If only someone could see that woman in you begging to be cared for despite you trying to play it cool. If only someone could hack your heart to know that you are desperate to get a pat on your back.  If only someone would dare stroke your hair or kiss your forehead. If only someone out there would dare tame you.

Hey! Do you really think that someone out there can free you? Funny how you waited for your hero to save you when there is really no one out there. Believe me, your hero is not out there. SAD EYES, YOUR HERO IS IN THERE! And you have been holding your hero for too long now as your own captive. You see, there is no one out there more fitting to free you but yourself. You are your only salvation. Your liberation is at your very command. Do not be enslaved by your baseless fears. Stop feeding yourself with hesitations. You know how much farther you can still go and how much bigger you can still become but you will forever remain as to where you are and stay as small as you feel to be if you stay still behind the shadow of your fears.

So for happiness sake, decide to let your emotional truths loose and do not fear as to where they might bring you. Embrace your most honest decisions and never be embarrassed as to who you might become because of them. You have already suffered enough for holding yourself back. You do not want to suffer any further for the same mistake. I understand that you prefer yourself to be your worst critic but do not be too hard on yourself. It is never harmful to spoil yourself a little. If your happiness spells freedom, then decide to be free.

Wipe those tears. Gladden those eyes again. BE FREE!

Ang Hapait Ko’ng Handurawan

Usa ka adlaw
ako nakakaplag
ug mayang samaran
nga misteryosong nasalaag.

Sa akong nataran
siya nagpabilin
ug sa hataas na panahon
ang samad gipaalim.

Ug sa wala ko damha
usa ka adlaw niana
iyang gikapakapa
ang mga pako niya.

Ug sa diha-diha
ang maya milupad
ug sa bag-ong kalipay
siya nakakaplag.

ang maya mibiya
sa wala'y pagpananghid
...kahilom
...kasakit!

----------------------------

Ihilak ko nalang
ang hapait ko'ng sugilanon
itago, kalimtan
ug sa dayon ililong.

kay kini dili angay
nga mahisulat ug matitik
palaon, ilikay
nga sa utok mapatik.

KARON

Batia ang kainit
sa matag gininhawa.
Ang pinitik sa dughan,
sa hilom paminawa.

Gaksa ang matag halog.
Kantaha ang kada awit.
Sayawa ang mga duyog,
sa maanindot nga dalit.

Busga ang mga mata
sa hilabihang kaanyag.
Pahimusli samtang
naa pa ang kahayag.

Kay unya sa kalit–
kahilom…
kabugnaw…
kangitngit..

A Letter from the Future

You are not broken. You are just lost in your own vastness.You may sometimes feel like gasping for air. It is because you are drowned in your own depths. And you may hate the constant discomfort of not being able to understand yourself. Dear self—it is because you are too huge to comprehend.

DEAR YOUNG SELF,

Right now, my heart is bleeding upon seeing you hurt, discontented, unhappy. You don’t deserve to be in that state but you badly need to feel bad about everything to know how lovely it is to feel so desolate sometimes.

Let me make things clear to you my dear young self. –You are not broken. You are just lost in your own vastness.You may sometimes feel like gasping for air. It is because you are drowned in your own depths. And you may hate the constant discomfort of not being able to understand yourself. Dear self—it is because you are too huge to comprehend. And your confused state right now helps you discover yourself better. Just journey with the unwanted feelings and they will show you your potentials.

Trust me—you are worth more than all that there are in the world. Stop adoring others; instead, deify your own self. Don’t shrink into the dust. You are bigger than your flaws. Whisper to your own ears the praises you deprive yourself of and which you generously give to others. Do not devalue your existence. There is more to you than just a heavy heart, broken smile and silent tears. Shake insecurities off your skin.Wear confidence instead and you will dazzle.You are beautiful.You are loved.

Be free like how naturally the eastern horizon gives birth to that magical light. Laugh without holding back.Free yourself from the prison you once adore because beyond your comfort zone lies your soul.It is the time of your life. You are young and there is so much promise in you. Your youthful vigor will soon die out. You will soon age.  And like a naphthalene ball, the chances of you getting the happiness you deserve will soon vanish into thin air just right in front of your very eyes making you weep at night.Do not sacrifice your youth over things that make you feel old and miserable. Walk your way towards the realization of who you envisioned yourself to be.

If you can get through the rough seas forty years from now, you will finally meet me although I know you will hesitate. And I’ll give you something that you are dying to get from the people who matter to you but can’t—a very tight hug. I will meet you here but don’t hurry. Take your time.Don’t shun the fun. Be happy. Live!

Love,

YOUR SILVER-HAIRED SELF